I close my eyes and I see you. Over and over again. You pursuit me by day and also by night. I can't sleep anymore because I dream only of you. You turn every dream into a nightmare from which I wake up screaming. Then I lay sweating in my bed, trying to stay awake.

I don't wanna return to my dream, back to you. I pinch myself, I strike myself and everything to escape the sleep. To escape the realm of your dreams. I will try every method to win this battle. The fight against the sleep which I really want badly. You rob me of my sleep and with each night that passes you steal more strength and energy of my life.

I can not eat because I'm thinking of you with every bite. I see your eyes on my fork, looking at me sadly. I see you in my food, on my plate. Every time I see this I could vomit. You spoil my appetite! You drain me of my strength! You leave me hungry and I feel more weak and powerless.

I can not leave the house, I'm a nervous wreck. I startle at every sound. I'm afraid that you will ambush me. I lose my courage with every step I take through empty streets. I turn again and again but nobody's behind me. Nobody's nearby. You are not here! And yet I'm in such panic and wanna flee, like a hunted deer.

Once again I turn around. Again no one there! And yet I feel you. Feel you so close, tightly in the back of my neck. You are here! Even if I know that you can't be here. Because you're dead! I killed you! It's one week ago and I'm bummed out. Seven days and I lose my nerves. I tell myself over and over again: "It's only the nerves! The Dead can not rise again, come back and wander around."

But I no longer feel safe here, even not at home. I'm a prisoner of my own fears. Wherever I'm looking, I see your face. It even superimposed my reflection and smirks at me sardonically. As if you knew about my fears and how much I suffer. Of course, you know it! You are the one who is suffering me! And you really enjoy it, enjoy it to torture me. But you are dead and you shouldn't know nothing. You are buried by the river. Nobody will find your grave and no one will miss you. No one is interested in your death. This was the only bonus I had: No one was ever interested in you.

You have brought shame and sorrow to me. You kicked my dignity with your feet. You had no respect for me. So I had to leave you! I didn't had any other choice. You didn't want to let me go. You didn't even notice the sleeping pills in your food. You were sleeping so peacefully while I struck you dead. Dead and gone. It was so easy, too easy. I never have expected this.

Now you are following me and I can't rest. Your presence can be felt so clearly. It freezes me, my hair stands on and the air is electrified. But yet I know this is all just imagination. Just my imagination! It's playing tricks with me. My nerves go through and my conscience tortures me more
and more. It cries out for repentance but I have no regrets. I would like to say that I'm fine. Finally doing well! It has never felt better! Every beat on you was like exemption. Every strike with the palm a step further to freedom.

I wish I could enjoy this freedom. But now I'm sitting on my bed, starring at the wall and again thinking only of you. I look in the mirror and I see you. Your face stares at me, staring back. Your image is burned into my soul!

Enraged I smash the mirror, hoping it will stop. I can not go on! I do not want to! That's not a life! That's not my life! It should all be better. I wanted to be free, just to be free. But it will not stop, it will never stop! I hear your voice, calling me. I cry and you begin to laugh. I'm spinning in circles screaming over and over again. Your laughter is growing even louder and shriller, filling all out. I can perceive nothing else. This is just you! I get dizzy and fall to the ground. Everything whirls and you are everywhere. Everywhere around me: Your face, your voice, your laughter. You laugh at me. I lay crooked on the floor, trying to cover my ears. I'm just wondering, where are you? Dead and buried down by the river! And yet you are here. Everywhere around me! But at all, it's just in my head. Just my imagination!

Even though all of this can not be true, I can feel your hands reaching out for me. How does your finger touch me. You are coming to get me. Seven days after you're dead and gone. Seven days of freedom have made me mad. Seven days have made me a prisoner of myself. I can't fight anymore. This will be my end! I will not allow that you will get me. I roll on the side and open the bedside cabinet. Inside there is my last protection: my revolver. The revolver which should protect me from the danger of life. Unfortunately you're not a real danger because you are no longer alive. For seven days no longer. Since seven days you can't damage somebody. And yet I have never suffered more since the last week. I never had such dread that you will come for me. I never was more panic-stricken. I've never had a longing for death but now I know this will be the only way out. I'm at the end. At the end of my strength, both physically and mentally. I can't go anymore. I can't hear myself thinking anymore. Here ends my way! With a loud bang, I end all my suffering and sink in the silence.

Silently I return home and follow you to death, only seven days later. Purely and simple tormented by my own mind. Because in the end the biggest and oldest enemy is still yourself.

© 2010 by Merci